in the back corner i'll always be

it's wrong to believe that all the people you care about and put before yourself will return the favor. i know that now. people work on their own agendas and don't care about who they hurt. it's understandable. it's human nature. but is it so wrong to have faith in people as much as i do? apparently it is. if it's not wrong, then for sure it's painful as fuck. this past week showed me.

if i'm not in the process of talking to someone, i just comepletely slip their minds. like i don't exist. i don't know why it happens, but it does. i'm so sick of people acting like they care, only to forget about me once something of more interest comes up. i've come across so many people in my life who were filled with empty words. i should have lost faith in all of humanity by now, but i haven't for some reason. i almost wish i have.

perhaps the most painful is the fact that my own family chooses not to recognize me. a couple of nights ago my parents literally forgot to set a place for me at the dinner table. and when i looked at them with anger and sadness, i got yelled at for it. i'm of no use to them, so why get upset when they forget to set a place for me? i'm obviously not my brother. i'm not as smart as him. as successful as him. i can't help with the bills. they have their golden child, so i get pushed aside. and the only reason my parents talk to me is to criticize me for anything and everything. the normal conversations are reserved for the golden boy.

i'm sorry for confessing all of this in some stupid online blog. but it sucks to not have someone i can talk to about these things. i can tell my friends tire of my rantings and end up giving me empty advice. or i'm told to just suck it up or that i'm wrong for feeling the way i do. so that's exactly what i do now and try not to show how much things actually affect me. what else can one do when someone they thought they can trust tells them they expected nothing less of them when they tell that friend she ended up in the hospital because of a mistake.

so the question is: why should i continue to let what little friends i have left now know that i'm always going to be here for them? that i'm always thinking about them? that i'll never turn them away when they're in need of an ear or a shoulder to cry on? it's a fool's dream to keep on hoping that by showing people she's always going to put others first, those she cares about will follow suit.

doing that only gets you to get walked all over.

premonition or paranoia?

i keep having these constant dreams where he loses all sort of care for me. last night was the worst. i kept asking him why, and he refused to answer. i woke up uneasy and scared, and it's sad that it took me a good minute to realize it was just a dream. after these past two months, i'm slowly starting to trust that they're going to stay as dreams. it just worries me that i keep having them though. my subconscious will learn to catch up to reality soon enough. it better.

also, right when i thought it couldn't get any better. mmm....was i wrong.

my brain is mush

so far my first week of laziness has been successful. spent most of my time vegetating on my couch in front of my tv. but hopefully i'll start hanging out with friends more once next week rolls around since everyone will be on break by then.

i might sneak out of the house tonight. i just realized it's gonna be a lot harder since ivan is coming home tonight. ugh. but i'm going up to alameda tomorrow! and then christmas shopping with alex on saturday! not looking forward to having to find parking though. ew ew ew.

i was looking through some of my drawers the other night and i found one of my old diaries from jr. high. the idiocy i put down on those lines was almost too much to bear. i forgot about all the drama that happened during that time. great reminder of all the great people i knew. not. i also got to see how much of a ditz i was. but a lot of that probably followed me into adulthood. retarded things are still a big deal to me lol.

I MISS MY NAVEL PIERCING!!! so much! it seems like forever and a day away before i can get the piercing again. hopefully the place i go to next time isn't crappy.

ugh, this is a boring blog. i have nothing to say really, but i figured this is a good way to kill some time.

home sweet home?

::sigh:: back home for the next month and then some for winter break. it's a relief to not have to stress about school for a while. but now there's a mom to try to ward off my back all the time. i was finally getting used to not being yelled at for every little thing.

i guess this stupid tour group vegas trip is definitely on. only looking forward to it because we get to watch "O" when we're there. i have been waiting forever and a day to watch it. i'd still rather be spending that time with people i actually care about. sorry, is it horrible to say i prefer friends over family? oh well.

uhmm the entire weekend is kind of a huge blur. i swear i almost died on friday. or convinced myself i was going to anyway. uber sad rachel couldn't make it to sj on sunday. i finally got to see christmas in the park! it would have been better with all the lights and night, but hey, can't complain. saw many a retarded ghetto jr. high kids and silently made fun of them in my head. slight irritations followed as well, but it's nothing new really. saturday night was definitely the worst though. and i am never playing more than one game of pong in a time frame of like an hour

this month is definitely going to be well spent with all the friends i haven't been able to see during the semester. i guess kevin can fit in there somewhere too :P. (i only word that last sentence the way i did because i know you're reading this). catching up on sleep, reading, and movies sounds pretty good too. maybe try to make things less awkward with ivan? i definitely made it too obvious his baby sister is growing up in college way too quickly.

funny ass quote of the day: "black people started wearing their pants low. white people called this saggin'. spell that backwards and...sneaky white people..."

r.i.p laptop

so tuesday was one of the shittiest nights ever. i am now without a laptop indefinitely. thank god break is in a week so i don't have to go through school much longer without having something to work on. and mom's laptop is always available at home during break. ugh, finals...i am definitely going to find alternative ways to keep from studying even though i have no internet. my work ethic has gone to shiiiiiit.

last night was amazing though. went up to alameda to spend time with the boy. uhmmm baked shit. got chocolate batter all over my pants. listened to a dog whine for like 3 hours. had yummy mexican food. froze my ass off. had the retard keep me warm. good times.

i am also without a chair in my dorm right now. seriously considering sneaking to joe west in the middle of the night and jacking one from the common room. only thing stopping me is the awkward walk from joe west back to royce and having people see me. walking with a giant chair. outside in the middle of the night. but then again everyone may be too drunk/stoned to care. will ponder more about this as week goes on.

finals are upon us!!

i have decided to update rather than write my paper that is due tomorrow.

these next couple of weeks are going to be stressful to hell with finals and cramming to study. too many papers to write in too little time. one five page paper that's due tomorrow and an eight page paper that's due friday. and then it's the english department final the morning after. GAH. and then two more finals the next week. now i know why all my older college friends were tearing their hair out this time of year. it's like the 'oh god i actually need to to work now' phase of the semester. on the brightside, there's an entire month's worth of break to enjoy after that :D.

signing up for classes today was a bitch too. i have this feeling i'm gonna end up stuck with that late evening class i signed up for and not get into the same one i waitlisted for a better time. keep your fingers crossed for me? but at least i got 3 classes required for my major into my schedule. i'm excited to be learning some useful stuff next semester rather than just wasting time in some obscure g.e. classes.

i miss kevin :/. his retardedness is a lot more fun in person.

i don't want to be that girl

i hate this feeling of insecurity and jealousy. i didn't care before. i feel like he's ruined me for any future relationships.

god damnit, sara. suck it up and get over it.

-_-

this kind of died

jeezus i can't remember the last time i updated this thing. and i'm way too lazy to look at the time stamp on my last entry.

anyway. it's been almost 3 months since i've been in college. too much crazy shit has happened since then. mainly ending up in the hospital with alcohol poisoning only 3 weeks into school. haha i am doing so well. i'm not meeting as many new people as i'd like. but no one really feels like being social in 7:30 am classes, and i'm always cooped up in my room doing work. my floormates are interesting people though. i've discovered that i'm not into the whole frat party scene. i can't have fun unless i'm drunk. and that can't be a good thing.

kevin is something new in my life too :]. it took me too long to realize that nice is the way to go. he treats me well and keeps me happy. for the most part haha. he's new to the whole relationship thing and still has to learn that there are things you do not say in front of your girlfriend heh. and there are some things i thought couldn't get better. but they sure have :P.

the holidays are coming up real soon and i still don't have money for gifts and such :/. i really do need to get on top of getting a job for next semester. i'm always talking about it, but it's time i be productive about it lol. apparently my loan refund check went towards my housing payment which makes no sense at all. i need to find out what's happening with that too. things seem to be getting more frustrating as time goes by. weekends always seem forever and a day away. but they're usually worth it. from what i can remember anyway ;].

so this is a really lonely saturday night. i haven't had one of these in a long while. and it's pissing me off to know that i'm sitting here home alone, eating ice cream, and watching grease. although i have no problem with the grease part. or the ice cream. being alone is the sucky part, obviously. and i miss my besties soooo much! it's been ages since i've last seen them. which doesn't make any sense if i'm home this weekend and some of them are still in fremont. ugh.

such is life, i suppose.

lol

i fucking knew it. i told you so. it feels amazing to be right.

recap

so i had orientation at sjsu all of thursday and some of friday. shieeeeet, it was tiring! but i got a TON of good info. there are SO many nursing majors there, and literally all the classes i need for ge's and prerequisites are filled up. i'm waitlisted for three of my classes, but i have a good chance of getting in since i'm high up on the list. it also hit me how hard i'm gonna have to work my ass off to get into the nursing school my junior year. straight a's all around -_-. the program only accepts 60 applicants per semester. yeesh!

as for the amusing bits: my small group leader, hector, was hilarioussss. and apparently i was being stalked on twitter by orientation leaders and earned myself the nickname, twitter girl D:. lolz all around. the beds were a bit uncomfortable though. but my orientation roommate was awesome! her name is sarah, and she also did guard! (at logan). what are the chances, right? the campus is a little small, but i like it. the scenery is great, and people there are really nice. the library is siiiick. can't wait to pull all nighters in there :].

i did a lot of (much needed) cleaning today. getting a bit tired of all the michael jackson talk now. can't wait for courtney to get back from washington, so we can get the group together again and go watch harry potter! it's ok to be a little nerdy sometimes, right? :]

lawl

i just realized how much i swear in my blogs. i'm a classy lady for sure.

mmm hugh laurie....

people have really been letting me down lately. ah well. i can always cheer myself up with some episodes of house.

i am such a lazy ass

let's see here...it's a wednesday evening, i'm bored out of my fucking mind, and no one is online. this is a wonderful way to be starting off my summer. and the only reason i'm udpdating this thing is to help pass time before so you think you can dance comes on. i have no life :[.

i'm already sick of work. and even sicker of my mom. i think agreeing to work at her restaurant was a bad idea. more opportunities to hear her nagging at me.

i really should pick up a book or something. house of leaves was finally getting interesting, and i'm kind of just letting it sit on my bedroom floor and collect dust. phooey. well, at least i know how to read. i think that's good enough for me for now.

courtney is in washington right now, and i miss her already :[. alex and cassi are never online, and barely answer my texts. bastards. and rachel and aaron are on tour with scv. ::sigh:: which leads me to remember to mention i took alex to stanford to watch the dci west show! it was amazing, as expected. but then again, scv, blue devils, and bluecoats were the only ones worth watching that particular night. scvc made me cry. scv's encore of send in the clowns got me bawling. hmmm...vanguard sure has a way of getting to me. not that i mind. everyone looked amazing, and i felt especially proud of those i've marched with in the past. and scv boys are sooooo fine.

people keep complaining about the heat, but i find it bearable. a nice swim wouldn't be bad either. mom keeps telling me how hellish the weather is going to be in korea, but i'm really not expecting a huge difference. (why does it smell like baby powder all of a sudden?)

i need to go running....

overdue

wow. i'm a fucking high school graduate. about time!!! i honestly thought i was going to shed some tears once the ceremony was over, but i guess i surprised myself. all i could think about was how fucking excited i was to finally be sitting on that field in my cap and gown wanting to move my tassel to the left side of my cap already. not to mention the unbearable heat and the fact that i couldn't hear any of the speeches that were given. so, this chapter of my life has finally come to an end. it was an amazing journey. losing old friends, but gaining new ones. and growing even closer to the friends i've been able to keep throughout my high school career. especially rachel. 13 years of knowing you, girl, and still going strong. let's go for another 13, yeah?

i'd post pictures up here, but i'm easing into the summer laziness. sorry :].

mom's letting me work at her place for some monies this month. now i'll have stuff to spend when i go to korea! and maybe save a little for that tattoo i want :P.

anyway, this thing may be updated a lot less often than normal now that i'm getting even lazier. or more often now that i have a shitload of time on my hands. ionno, we'll see i guess.

ps. i'm already missing drum corps :/.

thoughts

raj, this post is for you. cuz you gave me those subtle hints about updating this thing lol

GRADUATION IS SO CLOSE! exciting? YES! saddening? kind of. i'm definitely disappointed about those late friendships i've made this year. i've just gotten to know you guys, and it's going to end. :[ well, there's facebook, but we all know that's not the same. i'm super excited for this trip to korea. but i desperately need a job first. i feel horrible having my mom spend all this money on me. perhaps i can be nice to ivan for a bit, and he'd be willing to lend me some bucks? lol

today was my last day of volunteering at the hospital too. i think it was fun. hermione (yes, hermione) taught me how to make flowers out of pipe cleaner and tissue paper. AND she gave me a shit load of star paper haha. she's so sweet. i'm not sure what other things i'm going to miss though. the receptionists are always a bore. most of the people are just too shy or too weird. even for me. i sure as hell won't miss being mistaken for a chinese girl though. yeesh. idk how the hell i was supposed to let them know that i just CAN'T help them go to the bathroom.

courtney's graduation party is tomorrow. i miss her. i don't see enough of that girl. :[ and thursday is graduation! dinner with the fam bam. and then clubbing with malcolm??? soooo excited! the summer better continue with the same amount of awesomeness it's starting out with.

peace.

it's not over just yet

i need some sort of outlet. i am so fucking stressed right now. i can't seem to focus, and it's costing me everything i've been looking forward to for the past two and a half years.

but i do want to personally thank nick for helping me keep my sanity last night. i felt his love and care even from 3,000 miles away. there was a sense of serenity i've never felt before when talking to any of my other friends. he knows exactly what to say at the right time, and i am so thankful to have him to talk to. please don't ever go away.

it's like a benetton ad

sitting next to this brown kid and looking at pictures of zach quinto. life is good.

i can't believe it's almost over

now i never thought that this would happen, but as graduation is nearing, i'm beginning to realize that i'm actually going to miss high school. it's odd, but watching senioritis (the annual production that the seniors at school put on to help fund raise for senior ball) on wednesday made me realize just how close we all are to going our separate ways. this night was when pretty much our whole class came together and did something amazing for the school one last time.

it's really quite bittersweet. i still can't wait to get the hell out of high school and start over. but at the same time, i'm never going to see the people i've spent the past five or six years with ever again. and that's kind of a scary thought. we've all grown so comfortable together, even if there are people we've never talked to in those six years. no more sheltered environment, and no more familiar support system. i just know it's going to be the weirdest feeling ever when i go off to college and i'm not walking down that excruciatingly overly crowded hallway, walking past the same people i have for four years. i might even miss that annoying ass bell and a structured six-period schedule.

despite all that, though, i'm nearly jumping with anticipation to finally get my clean slate in life. i've made some bad decisions and hung out with the wrong people in my high school career. i'm glad i'm going somewhere nobody knows me and i can let people see the real me and love me for it. i'm tired of hiding within myself because of what i've done in high school and what "friends" have done to my reputation. i can go to school smiling and let people know i'm approachable. i didn't see it at first, but someone up there knew that i needed this fresh start and lead me in this direction. and for that, i am thankful.

i have no words

i feel like i should update this a lot more than i do. but frankly, i never have anything interesting to talk about.

although i am trying to remove 'hella' from my vocabulary. sorry, norcal, but i really do hate it here.

i hate coming up with titles

i went to sjsu's admitted students' open house yesterday. and let me tell you. i think i definitely gave that school a lot less credit than it really deserves. sure, it's small and in the bay area. but i think a smaller campus is a lot better than having one where i feel hectic and in a rush all the time. and the nursing program there is even more competitive once you get in D:. only accepting 60 applicants to the nursing school out of 200 twice a year after students get their GE's done? whaaaaat? i'm still going to appeal to uci, but dang. if it's like this over at irvine, idk if i'll be able to keep up since it's probably even more competitive over at a uc -_-.

anyways. all i'm saying is that if uci doesn't work out, sjsu it is. besides, fullerton only has 800 beds on campus. really?

GO SPARTANS...?

the kiss

oh how i wish i were able to go watch ccgc yesterday. i heard vanguard did an amazing job. again. i saw them last weekend, and omg was i almost in tears. they definitely put every other guard to shame. watching them just makes me fall in love with this organization all over again.

luhl

just posting cuz i'm super bored and don't have anything better to do. how sad.

still trying to convince my mom to let me go visit socal over spring break. i am always tired now. thank god the weekend is almost here.

trying to find the upside

yup. i got rejected from irvine. my dream school of two and a half years. the place i've envisioned myself being shortly after graduation. seeing myself exploring the city, beaches, and abundance of new people. all of it down the drain. i'm not going to pretend that i'm not envious of all my friends who got accepted and will be attending come this fall. yes, i do feel dejected, jealous, and some loss of worth. and i've been sitting here for the past two days trying to figure out who or what it is i can blame for the tears that i've shed due to the uc's decision.

the budget crisis? schools have been cutting back so much this year, i wonder if i lost my spot because of the school's lack of money. and since my major is nursing, (one of the most competitive out there) i probably had even less of a chance.
idk. i'm probably the one to blame the most. i slacked off so much my junior year. this is probably my lesson for not giving a rat's ass and thinking that all would turn out dandy. this is a do or die world. get lazy, and you're finished. now i'm left with sjsu and fullerton. i know that sjsu's nursing school is one of the top in the state. but it so sooooo damn close to home. even if my mom is letting me dorm over there, i'm just not feeling the environment. at all. the campus doesn't catch my attention, and the area around it is just something i'm way too used to. fullerton is in southern california, and i know for a fact i'd love the change of scenery. the campus is gorgeous, and i feel as if i can be more myself and have a fresh start socially. the only downside is that i have NO idea what fullerton's rep is academically and whether it's nursing school will offer me the full benefits sjsu's can. so do i want to go somewhere that has fairly decent reviews for its nursing program, or go somewhere that will be able to accommodate most of my needs? i'm going to have to think long and hard about this.

i also need to stop thinking that i can one day be like my brother. when i looked back at myself the day i got my rejection, i couldn't help but think of him. ivan is extremely smart, determined, motivated, and popular. and i feel like all of those factors are what got him so far in life. he's only 26, and is already making more money than most and traveling the world. every time i screw up, i look to him and try to follow what he's done and does now. but it just doesn't work. my parents talk about him with such pride written all over their faces, and i guess it's what i've been craving to get from them. i wish i were able to say these things to ivan himself. and to have him offer me words of comfort and motivation. i want to have that loving sibling relationship that a lot of my friends have with their brothers and sisters. how can i ask this of my own brother without making it awkward or seem forced? i'm extremely proud of what he does and who he is. and with whatever decision i come to about school, i'm going to work hard and earn the same respect from my big brother as i've developed for him.

funny how after reading through this before posting that it comes down to my big brother being my one inspiration.

a vain pursuit?

i'm not happy.

are you kidding me?!

the only reason i give my friends advice is because i obviously care about them and want what's best. and it frustrates me SO GODDAMN MUCH when they don't take it. why do you ask me for help when you're just going to end up throwing it out the window anyway???

and it makes even less sense to me when you make the same mistake over again, even after i tell you exactly what will happen! WHY?! you take advantage of my willingness to listen and offer insight, and for what? attention? pity? it hurts me to see you get stomped all over. and over again. i don't know why i still worry, but i do. it really shouldn't be my problem anymore if you choose to hurt yourselves again. idk. you'll learn the hard way. sooner or later. i just hope it's before any of your guys' bullshit happens all over again.

bye.

whatever

i'm just gonna go ahead and say it. i miss fucking. and i need a good one. bad.

ineffable

i really wish i were a better writer. or at least had more creative thoughts. sometimes i spend a couple of hours reading random blogs of various friends, and all of them have such interesting things to talk about. i came back to my blog and realized that what i write about is SO boring. superficial, even. it sucks not being able to get out what i want to say coherently. man, i need to get out more.

this entire week has been one of the longest i've felt in a while. it doesn't make sense since it hasn't been as stressful as many other weeks. maybe i'm just getting bored. i should get off my fat ass and find myself a J-O-B. i always complain about not having any money and never do anything about it. but i never see any hiring or wanted signs anywhere :[. stupid economy. i wonder if working the streets really isn't such a bad idea after all...just kidding! i must get someone to remind me to try and find a job as a hostess somewhere. lots of bank for doing little :]. all i need to do is be nice and act cute. i guess my big cheeks (the ones on my face) would come in handy for this.

physics and ap stast is FINALLY making sense to me now! too bad it decided to happen so late in the game. i'm still trying to make up that stupid stats contract and am nowhere near finishing :/. and speaking of...i should get back to homework. but at least tomorrow is friday and i get to go see watchmen! i wonder how many fanatics i'll see...

fuckk

i need to start eating healthier and be a lot more active. i am not in drum corps anymore!!

happy valentine's day!

ah, the holiday that almost every single person in this country resents. i always try to be there for my friends, but i hate to admit the level of irritation i experience when they rant on and on for a week about how horrible their lives are because they are single. i have friends telling me what they'd do on this "special" day if they had a significant other. but my main frustration comes from these people choosing this particular day to pity themselves. valentine's day does not have to be a couple's holiday. go out and do something fun with friends or family. this day is about love. not about who does and doesn't have a girlfriend or boyfriend. but if you still don't get the point, suck it up and stop bitching. at least you have friends and family who care about you, which not everyone in this world has.

and relating to this topic, i went and watched 'he's just not that into you' with rachel last night. adorable movie! it had even me wishing that i find love in the way that the main character did. the situations the characters are placed in are realistic, so it was way easy to relate. the movie made me look back at myself and wonder if i did any of the ridiculous things those girls did. and i just laughed at myself.

legal!

i am finally 18!! holy shit, i have been waiting for this day for a longgggg time. the feeling is a bit weird though. i'm an adult. that thought is going to take some getting used to. anyways, i am glad that i have friends who remember what today is. i don't really care much for gifts, but they are always a pleasant surprise :]. rachel baked me this cake/cookie thing. tons of chocolate. and tic tacs hahaha. mom and dad got me a white gold and diamond heart shaped necklace. i'd put up a picture, but the camera doesn't do it justice. went out to a huge dinner with mom and dad, and got to eat some of my beautiful (and utterly delicious) birthday cake. this weekend should be loads of fun though. i'm hanging out with rachel and jan in sf tomorrow. it's about time i get some decent shopping done. and take purikura pictures! on sunday rachel, aaron, and i are visiting the cadet corps camp at king's academy. can't wait to see them again :]. then niko is taking me, ::gasp::, webcam shopping after that!! i am so stoked for! i've been wanting one for ages now.

lastly...i decided to treat myself to a little something of my own :]

frustrated to the max

i am now a second semester senior. and i can't believe i couldn't hold out for a measly three and a half years before i decided to slack off. i decided to work my butt off for two of my hardest classes this year a little too late. and now i'm paying for it. i passed my finals for those classes, but it still wasn't enough. now i can't stop kicking myself for being so damn stupid. the standards i've set for myself just kept lowering themselves as i progressed through high school. i'm just lucky i have teachers who care enough to help me so i don't get my current acceptances into college rescinded. it's like i can see everything i want slipping away from me.

and on the note of college...i was looking at the online tour of fullerton earlier tonight. and i've fallen in love with the campus. if i don't get accepted into irvine, i /will/ convince my mom to let me go there. or one of the other southern california schools i've applied to. this is all considering i don't fuck up anymore this year.

tootles.

within reach

ugh. finals is this week, and i am stressing so much about ap stats. and physics. stupid jackass teachers. and as stressed as i am, the thought that's taking up the majority of my mind right now is that i'll soon be a second semester senior. and that much closer to finally graduating! i don't know what people were talking about when they told me that high school was one of the best part of their lives. sure i've gained a few amazing friends and grew closer to the ones i've managed to keep from before entering high school, but i think i've only grown more bitter towards people. to me, high school is an experience that's supposed to let us all grow. but it seems like 95 percent of people i've known for pretty much all my life have failed to do so. or it might be me that hasn't managed to mature as i should have. no matter. the beginning of second semester will be the indicator that i am almost done with childish matters. and i CANNOT WAIT to move the fuck out of here. meet new people. gain new experiences. i think i've lost my point among this mess of words. dj felli fel is playing on my itunes and i've just been trying to keep myself from getting up and busting some lame ass moves so i can write this. anyways, i feel a little better. even though coherency has been quite an issue lately. gotta love the word vomit.

yeah, it's me

so i decided to do one of those random facebook notes that asks you to write down some facts/habits/goals about yourself. it made me think a little, and here's what i came up with:

1. procrastination is my downfall
2. i want to be able to help people as much as i can when i grow up
3. i enjoy calling people out on their mistakes/bad habits...which is probably hella bad (it's ok, i still love you)
4. i want to have a better relationship with my brother
5. i'm going to live in new york one day
6. my biases make me a bitch
7. i hate eating breakfast (in the morning at least)
8. i love vegas
9. i have trouble showing affection
10. my room looks like a tornado hit
11. sleep is one of my best friends
12. sometimes i wonder if i let my soul mate just pass me by
13. i wish my mom let me get a cat
14. I WILL MEET BO BURNHAM ONE DAY
15. i'm having trouble thinking of more facts
16. i absolutely hate it when strangers touch me/bump into me...seriously, i will throw a dirty look without fear
17. i think there should be a vietnamese sandwich shop close to school
18. i'm anxious to turn 18
19. i wish i were more motivated

hermit

i'm beginning to realize how wonderfully amazing it would be to live alone. i seriously love the quiet. it's peaceful and i can actually get things done. hearing my mom constantly scream at me or my dad gets a bit distracting. and that is an understatement. i kind of want to room by myself during college too. a roommate sounds awesome, but i'm afraid i may never get any work done. i'd be too busy worrying about chatting and going out. i'm quite easily influenced if it means avoiding work. also, my unalterable habits of being an unorganized mess will be able to roam as they wish :].

ugh...clearly i'm running out of things to write about.

the lies you do

listen to your own goddamn lyrics. you're a past chapter of my life, so why the hell are you still screwing with me?? it's pathetic you still feel the need to make up ridiculous stories about me to make yourself feel better. both of you need to move the fuck on. you lost something great, and that's your fault. she's insecure, and i don't blame her. grow up and learn to fight your own battles. good riddance.

you're not over the hill yet!

happy 26th birthday, big brother! :D

an upside

despite all the shit that went down, there is a bright side. i now know how to play the game. thanks boys.

new year, new me?

2009 is finally here! i have so many things to look forward to: turning 18 (finally!), graduating high school!, and my favorite thing, moving out!!! and there are probably a few exciting things that will be happening in between what was just mentioned. i just don't know what they are yet :].

i don't know if i have any resolutions set for myself, only because i know i probably won't get around to fulfilling most of them. but i will keep some things that i need to work on in mind and just work on it as i go. if i remember to. i also just got around to reading the christmas card my mom wrote to me. (korean is a bitch to read). she never ceases to amaze me. after all the shit we've gone through for, what, the past six years, she still doesn't want to give up on trying to build a relationship with me. i almost started crying when i read what she wrote. she wants to stop all the yelling/arguments, she wants to be there for me (what??), and she wants to do what's in her power to make me happy. but the thing she wants most is that mother-daughter relationship that i know many of her friends have with their daughters. i just feel really bad to say that i'm a little more reluctant to give that to her. how does one just drop six years of tension and bitterness? of course i want that mother-daughter relationship also. i envy girls my age who go on shopping trips with their mothers just to be able to spend time with each other, and not just because both of them need something from the mall. i guess this is one of the main reasons i want to be able to move out for college. time spent apart from each other will only allow both me and my mom to grow up. i'm so afraid that if i stay here after graduation the tension will only increase and no improvement will be made. at least not until a few more years when i finally do move out. i don't want to sound selfish when i beg my mom and argue with her to let me go to socal for school. but i can't bring myself to explain to her what i just did to everyone who is reading this.