frustrated to the max

i am now a second semester senior. and i can't believe i couldn't hold out for a measly three and a half years before i decided to slack off. i decided to work my butt off for two of my hardest classes this year a little too late. and now i'm paying for it. i passed my finals for those classes, but it still wasn't enough. now i can't stop kicking myself for being so damn stupid. the standards i've set for myself just kept lowering themselves as i progressed through high school. i'm just lucky i have teachers who care enough to help me so i don't get my current acceptances into college rescinded. it's like i can see everything i want slipping away from me.

and on the note of college...i was looking at the online tour of fullerton earlier tonight. and i've fallen in love with the campus. if i don't get accepted into irvine, i /will/ convince my mom to let me go there. or one of the other southern california schools i've applied to. this is all considering i don't fuck up anymore this year.

tootles.

within reach

ugh. finals is this week, and i am stressing so much about ap stats. and physics. stupid jackass teachers. and as stressed as i am, the thought that's taking up the majority of my mind right now is that i'll soon be a second semester senior. and that much closer to finally graduating! i don't know what people were talking about when they told me that high school was one of the best part of their lives. sure i've gained a few amazing friends and grew closer to the ones i've managed to keep from before entering high school, but i think i've only grown more bitter towards people. to me, high school is an experience that's supposed to let us all grow. but it seems like 95 percent of people i've known for pretty much all my life have failed to do so. or it might be me that hasn't managed to mature as i should have. no matter. the beginning of second semester will be the indicator that i am almost done with childish matters. and i CANNOT WAIT to move the fuck out of here. meet new people. gain new experiences. i think i've lost my point among this mess of words. dj felli fel is playing on my itunes and i've just been trying to keep myself from getting up and busting some lame ass moves so i can write this. anyways, i feel a little better. even though coherency has been quite an issue lately. gotta love the word vomit.

yeah, it's me

so i decided to do one of those random facebook notes that asks you to write down some facts/habits/goals about yourself. it made me think a little, and here's what i came up with:

1. procrastination is my downfall
2. i want to be able to help people as much as i can when i grow up
3. i enjoy calling people out on their mistakes/bad habits...which is probably hella bad (it's ok, i still love you)
4. i want to have a better relationship with my brother
5. i'm going to live in new york one day
6. my biases make me a bitch
7. i hate eating breakfast (in the morning at least)
8. i love vegas
9. i have trouble showing affection
10. my room looks like a tornado hit
11. sleep is one of my best friends
12. sometimes i wonder if i let my soul mate just pass me by
13. i wish my mom let me get a cat
14. I WILL MEET BO BURNHAM ONE DAY
15. i'm having trouble thinking of more facts
16. i absolutely hate it when strangers touch me/bump into me...seriously, i will throw a dirty look without fear
17. i think there should be a vietnamese sandwich shop close to school
18. i'm anxious to turn 18
19. i wish i were more motivated

hermit

i'm beginning to realize how wonderfully amazing it would be to live alone. i seriously love the quiet. it's peaceful and i can actually get things done. hearing my mom constantly scream at me or my dad gets a bit distracting. and that is an understatement. i kind of want to room by myself during college too. a roommate sounds awesome, but i'm afraid i may never get any work done. i'd be too busy worrying about chatting and going out. i'm quite easily influenced if it means avoiding work. also, my unalterable habits of being an unorganized mess will be able to roam as they wish :].

ugh...clearly i'm running out of things to write about.

the lies you do

listen to your own goddamn lyrics. you're a past chapter of my life, so why the hell are you still screwing with me?? it's pathetic you still feel the need to make up ridiculous stories about me to make yourself feel better. both of you need to move the fuck on. you lost something great, and that's your fault. she's insecure, and i don't blame her. grow up and learn to fight your own battles. good riddance.

you're not over the hill yet!

happy 26th birthday, big brother! :D

an upside

despite all the shit that went down, there is a bright side. i now know how to play the game. thanks boys.

new year, new me?

2009 is finally here! i have so many things to look forward to: turning 18 (finally!), graduating high school!, and my favorite thing, moving out!!! and there are probably a few exciting things that will be happening in between what was just mentioned. i just don't know what they are yet :].

i don't know if i have any resolutions set for myself, only because i know i probably won't get around to fulfilling most of them. but i will keep some things that i need to work on in mind and just work on it as i go. if i remember to. i also just got around to reading the christmas card my mom wrote to me. (korean is a bitch to read). she never ceases to amaze me. after all the shit we've gone through for, what, the past six years, she still doesn't want to give up on trying to build a relationship with me. i almost started crying when i read what she wrote. she wants to stop all the yelling/arguments, she wants to be there for me (what??), and she wants to do what's in her power to make me happy. but the thing she wants most is that mother-daughter relationship that i know many of her friends have with their daughters. i just feel really bad to say that i'm a little more reluctant to give that to her. how does one just drop six years of tension and bitterness? of course i want that mother-daughter relationship also. i envy girls my age who go on shopping trips with their mothers just to be able to spend time with each other, and not just because both of them need something from the mall. i guess this is one of the main reasons i want to be able to move out for college. time spent apart from each other will only allow both me and my mom to grow up. i'm so afraid that if i stay here after graduation the tension will only increase and no improvement will be made. at least not until a few more years when i finally do move out. i don't want to sound selfish when i beg my mom and argue with her to let me go to socal for school. but i can't bring myself to explain to her what i just did to everyone who is reading this.