trying to find the upside

yup. i got rejected from irvine. my dream school of two and a half years. the place i've envisioned myself being shortly after graduation. seeing myself exploring the city, beaches, and abundance of new people. all of it down the drain. i'm not going to pretend that i'm not envious of all my friends who got accepted and will be attending come this fall. yes, i do feel dejected, jealous, and some loss of worth. and i've been sitting here for the past two days trying to figure out who or what it is i can blame for the tears that i've shed due to the uc's decision.

the budget crisis? schools have been cutting back so much this year, i wonder if i lost my spot because of the school's lack of money. and since my major is nursing, (one of the most competitive out there) i probably had even less of a chance.
idk. i'm probably the one to blame the most. i slacked off so much my junior year. this is probably my lesson for not giving a rat's ass and thinking that all would turn out dandy. this is a do or die world. get lazy, and you're finished. now i'm left with sjsu and fullerton. i know that sjsu's nursing school is one of the top in the state. but it so sooooo damn close to home. even if my mom is letting me dorm over there, i'm just not feeling the environment. at all. the campus doesn't catch my attention, and the area around it is just something i'm way too used to. fullerton is in southern california, and i know for a fact i'd love the change of scenery. the campus is gorgeous, and i feel as if i can be more myself and have a fresh start socially. the only downside is that i have NO idea what fullerton's rep is academically and whether it's nursing school will offer me the full benefits sjsu's can. so do i want to go somewhere that has fairly decent reviews for its nursing program, or go somewhere that will be able to accommodate most of my needs? i'm going to have to think long and hard about this.

i also need to stop thinking that i can one day be like my brother. when i looked back at myself the day i got my rejection, i couldn't help but think of him. ivan is extremely smart, determined, motivated, and popular. and i feel like all of those factors are what got him so far in life. he's only 26, and is already making more money than most and traveling the world. every time i screw up, i look to him and try to follow what he's done and does now. but it just doesn't work. my parents talk about him with such pride written all over their faces, and i guess it's what i've been craving to get from them. i wish i were able to say these things to ivan himself. and to have him offer me words of comfort and motivation. i want to have that loving sibling relationship that a lot of my friends have with their brothers and sisters. how can i ask this of my own brother without making it awkward or seem forced? i'm extremely proud of what he does and who he is. and with whatever decision i come to about school, i'm going to work hard and earn the same respect from my big brother as i've developed for him.

funny how after reading through this before posting that it comes down to my big brother being my one inspiration.