in the back corner i'll always be

it's wrong to believe that all the people you care about and put before yourself will return the favor. i know that now. people work on their own agendas and don't care about who they hurt. it's understandable. it's human nature. but is it so wrong to have faith in people as much as i do? apparently it is. if it's not wrong, then for sure it's painful as fuck. this past week showed me.

if i'm not in the process of talking to someone, i just comepletely slip their minds. like i don't exist. i don't know why it happens, but it does. i'm so sick of people acting like they care, only to forget about me once something of more interest comes up. i've come across so many people in my life who were filled with empty words. i should have lost faith in all of humanity by now, but i haven't for some reason. i almost wish i have.

perhaps the most painful is the fact that my own family chooses not to recognize me. a couple of nights ago my parents literally forgot to set a place for me at the dinner table. and when i looked at them with anger and sadness, i got yelled at for it. i'm of no use to them, so why get upset when they forget to set a place for me? i'm obviously not my brother. i'm not as smart as him. as successful as him. i can't help with the bills. they have their golden child, so i get pushed aside. and the only reason my parents talk to me is to criticize me for anything and everything. the normal conversations are reserved for the golden boy.

i'm sorry for confessing all of this in some stupid online blog. but it sucks to not have someone i can talk to about these things. i can tell my friends tire of my rantings and end up giving me empty advice. or i'm told to just suck it up or that i'm wrong for feeling the way i do. so that's exactly what i do now and try not to show how much things actually affect me. what else can one do when someone they thought they can trust tells them they expected nothing less of them when they tell that friend she ended up in the hospital because of a mistake.

so the question is: why should i continue to let what little friends i have left now know that i'm always going to be here for them? that i'm always thinking about them? that i'll never turn them away when they're in need of an ear or a shoulder to cry on? it's a fool's dream to keep on hoping that by showing people she's always going to put others first, those she cares about will follow suit.

doing that only gets you to get walked all over.

premonition or paranoia?

i keep having these constant dreams where he loses all sort of care for me. last night was the worst. i kept asking him why, and he refused to answer. i woke up uneasy and scared, and it's sad that it took me a good minute to realize it was just a dream. after these past two months, i'm slowly starting to trust that they're going to stay as dreams. it just worries me that i keep having them though. my subconscious will learn to catch up to reality soon enough. it better.

also, right when i thought it couldn't get any better. mmm....was i wrong.

my brain is mush

so far my first week of laziness has been successful. spent most of my time vegetating on my couch in front of my tv. but hopefully i'll start hanging out with friends more once next week rolls around since everyone will be on break by then.

i might sneak out of the house tonight. i just realized it's gonna be a lot harder since ivan is coming home tonight. ugh. but i'm going up to alameda tomorrow! and then christmas shopping with alex on saturday! not looking forward to having to find parking though. ew ew ew.

i was looking through some of my drawers the other night and i found one of my old diaries from jr. high. the idiocy i put down on those lines was almost too much to bear. i forgot about all the drama that happened during that time. great reminder of all the great people i knew. not. i also got to see how much of a ditz i was. but a lot of that probably followed me into adulthood. retarded things are still a big deal to me lol.

I MISS MY NAVEL PIERCING!!! so much! it seems like forever and a day away before i can get the piercing again. hopefully the place i go to next time isn't crappy.

ugh, this is a boring blog. i have nothing to say really, but i figured this is a good way to kill some time.

home sweet home?

::sigh:: back home for the next month and then some for winter break. it's a relief to not have to stress about school for a while. but now there's a mom to try to ward off my back all the time. i was finally getting used to not being yelled at for every little thing.

i guess this stupid tour group vegas trip is definitely on. only looking forward to it because we get to watch "O" when we're there. i have been waiting forever and a day to watch it. i'd still rather be spending that time with people i actually care about. sorry, is it horrible to say i prefer friends over family? oh well.

uhmm the entire weekend is kind of a huge blur. i swear i almost died on friday. or convinced myself i was going to anyway. uber sad rachel couldn't make it to sj on sunday. i finally got to see christmas in the park! it would have been better with all the lights and night, but hey, can't complain. saw many a retarded ghetto jr. high kids and silently made fun of them in my head. slight irritations followed as well, but it's nothing new really. saturday night was definitely the worst though. and i am never playing more than one game of pong in a time frame of like an hour

this month is definitely going to be well spent with all the friends i haven't been able to see during the semester. i guess kevin can fit in there somewhere too :P. (i only word that last sentence the way i did because i know you're reading this). catching up on sleep, reading, and movies sounds pretty good too. maybe try to make things less awkward with ivan? i definitely made it too obvious his baby sister is growing up in college way too quickly.

funny ass quote of the day: "black people started wearing their pants low. white people called this saggin'. spell that backwards and...sneaky white people..."

r.i.p laptop

so tuesday was one of the shittiest nights ever. i am now without a laptop indefinitely. thank god break is in a week so i don't have to go through school much longer without having something to work on. and mom's laptop is always available at home during break. ugh, finals...i am definitely going to find alternative ways to keep from studying even though i have no internet. my work ethic has gone to shiiiiiit.

last night was amazing though. went up to alameda to spend time with the boy. uhmmm baked shit. got chocolate batter all over my pants. listened to a dog whine for like 3 hours. had yummy mexican food. froze my ass off. had the retard keep me warm. good times.

i am also without a chair in my dorm right now. seriously considering sneaking to joe west in the middle of the night and jacking one from the common room. only thing stopping me is the awkward walk from joe west back to royce and having people see me. walking with a giant chair. outside in the middle of the night. but then again everyone may be too drunk/stoned to care. will ponder more about this as week goes on.