in the back corner i'll always be

it's wrong to believe that all the people you care about and put before yourself will return the favor. i know that now. people work on their own agendas and don't care about who they hurt. it's understandable. it's human nature. but is it so wrong to have faith in people as much as i do? apparently it is. if it's not wrong, then for sure it's painful as fuck. this past week showed me.

if i'm not in the process of talking to someone, i just comepletely slip their minds. like i don't exist. i don't know why it happens, but it does. i'm so sick of people acting like they care, only to forget about me once something of more interest comes up. i've come across so many people in my life who were filled with empty words. i should have lost faith in all of humanity by now, but i haven't for some reason. i almost wish i have.

perhaps the most painful is the fact that my own family chooses not to recognize me. a couple of nights ago my parents literally forgot to set a place for me at the dinner table. and when i looked at them with anger and sadness, i got yelled at for it. i'm of no use to them, so why get upset when they forget to set a place for me? i'm obviously not my brother. i'm not as smart as him. as successful as him. i can't help with the bills. they have their golden child, so i get pushed aside. and the only reason my parents talk to me is to criticize me for anything and everything. the normal conversations are reserved for the golden boy.

i'm sorry for confessing all of this in some stupid online blog. but it sucks to not have someone i can talk to about these things. i can tell my friends tire of my rantings and end up giving me empty advice. or i'm told to just suck it up or that i'm wrong for feeling the way i do. so that's exactly what i do now and try not to show how much things actually affect me. what else can one do when someone they thought they can trust tells them they expected nothing less of them when they tell that friend she ended up in the hospital because of a mistake.

so the question is: why should i continue to let what little friends i have left now know that i'm always going to be here for them? that i'm always thinking about them? that i'll never turn them away when they're in need of an ear or a shoulder to cry on? it's a fool's dream to keep on hoping that by showing people she's always going to put others first, those she cares about will follow suit.

doing that only gets you to get walked all over.