shut the fuck up, bitch

the only reason you still care is because you're obviously jealous of something

happiness is always short lived

what the hell do we do here on this earth? try and find something that will forever bring joy into our lives? well, some people spend their whole lives looking for that something and never find it. then what do we do? we try and find things that bring us temporary satisfaction. but even that gets old after a while. next? we shut ourselves out from the rest of the world because we know that trying isn't worth it anymore? i could have the completely wrong idea, but it sure as hell makes sense to me. the past week has been totally amazing for me. up until yesterday. i don't know what happened, all i know is that it did. it's probably because i had my hopes set too high. i'm not saying that i'm going to start shutting myself out, but i sure as hell won't be expecting much from life. the fall only gets harder the higher you set your hopes. that way when i find a dollar on the ground, it'll feel like i found a thousand. and i sure as hell won't be expecting anything from people. we rarely do ourselves justice.

i broke a promise to myself

i hate forming types of relationships/bonds with people when i know they'll just turn out in vain. i need to learn to stop contradicting my instincts. depending on other people never turns out well. at least in my world. sure, mistakes are made for a reason, but i hate making the same ones over and over again. all people do is screw each other over. and everyone wonders why i'm such a bitch. i just beat them to the punch.

milo's got nothin' on me

so i kinda wish i had a super power. to be able to make people feel better with just a smile!

yeah...pretty homo sounding, i know. but sometimes i just don't know what to say to my friends when they're having an off day. when that happens, all i can do is give them what i hope is a comforting smile and tell them things will eventually fall into place. but that obviously isn't enough sometimes. i was working at the hospital last night, and a man came up to me a couple of times: once to ask me if it was ok for him to visit his wife, and the second to tell me that he was going to wait in the lobby until the time the nurses told him he was allowed to. the poor man looked so distressed. and the most i could do was offer him a smile.

so what the hell am i getting at here? i can't wait until i can start offering more than just a comforting flash of teeth. i want to show people i'm sincere about wanting to help them, and that i don't do it because i have to.

christmas is tomorrow!! i've been wanting a laptop for a while. and i probably won't get it. but hey...maybe santa threw some luck my way this year. happy holidays, y'all!

it's simple

i'm broken.

i need a clever title

i thought that i was going to have a weight lifted off my shoulders once i turned in all my college apps. clearly, i was wrong. I AM ABOUT TO PULL EVERY FUCKING HAIR OUT OF MY HEAD.

uci is my only ticket out of here. and since it's the only uc i applied to, it's either get accepted or face hell for another two to four years. for the past three years all i've been looking forward to is the fact that i don't have to talk to my parents (or look at them) for long periods of time. honestly, it sounds like heaven to me. i know that sjsu is an awesome school for the major i'm pursuing, but it's my bitch school. it's too close to home and almost everything i hate.

ps. you're still on probation. don't mess up.

two words

absolutely ridiculous...

ineffable

major writer's block, so i'm hoping typing here will help clear my head a little. sorry if i don't make any sense. a few strange happenings this week. i really don't know how to react to any of it. it's taking almost everything in me to not just scream and rip my hair out.

ah well. getting to go out on a mall date with courtney helped a little, although my mind is still scattered. hers too, i'm sure. it's just weird not having anything to look forward to. nothing to keep the energy up.

::sigh::

i love you

and i'm praying that you don't do anything drastic

a strange situation

my mom. oh gosh. i don't even know how to describe the relationship we have. i don't even know if i can call it a relationship since the majority of our time spent together is used to fight with each other. if you look up the word "tension" in the dictionary, you'd find a picture of us, bared teeth and claws included. we go through a strange cycle. there is one huge, hate filled, extremely loud fight that leads to tears and frustration. i blame her, she blames me. we make up the next day and all is well for a temporary amount of time, each lasting anywhere from a day to a couple of weeks. then tension just builds up again and we have occasional spats. finally, we work our way back up to the point that we can't take each other anymore and we have another one of our huge fights. a norm in this household. honestly, i feel sorry for my dad and brother. my brother especially since his visits should be welcoming instead of making him want to get the hell out asap.

i guess it's obvious to say that i hate having this type of relationship with my mom. it's not really my idea of what a mom and daughter are supposed to be. i've tried so many times to try and change something that has been years in the making. but everything always goes back to what i've previously mentioned. why try when everything just ends in vain? i've given up on trying to pretend that we get along when we're out in public, when i'm around her friends, when she's around mine. everyone around me knows i dislike the woman i'm talking on the phone with. it's embarrassing, but we can't help it. not anymore at least. i think this is why i want to be far away from home for college. having to deal with this is stressful. and a pain. i'm so sick of crying. hardly anything else makes me shed tears. being away may bring around a better relationship. out of sight, out of mind right? my brother and my mom used to fight a lot when he was in high school. now they get along like lifelong friends. it may be wishful thinking, but a girl's allowed to dream. now if only my mom weren't so intent on keeping me close to home. but i guess that's a whole different issue.

idk

do i pursue you or not?

i hate how stupid things like this take over my mind

mundane

i'm surprised at how smoothly QUEST has been going for me. i was totally expecting to be pulling my hair out by the roots at this point haha. hopefully the rest of the project goes this well for me.

another day at the hospital. and let's just say i can now understand why so many women chase after doctors and paramedics ;].

smorkin'!

so the more i look at the kidrobot labbit and dunny toys, the more i want them! i'm thinking about starting out with a labbit collection. they're soo cute. although not in the conventional way.

i just need to find a way to get to sf and someone to accompany me. oh, and some monies. ::sigh::
soon...

yes, we can

i could barely contain my excitement when obama was announced president tonight. his victory speech nearly brought tears to my eyes and placed a huge smile on my face. never have i been more proud to say that i'm an american before tonight. i'm placing huge faith in this guy. end of story.

wow, it's been helluv days since i updated this thing.

well, since this whole obama victory has gotten me all pumped up i might as well start another seemingly meaningful rant that'll probably just sound like super cheesy bull when i reread it two weeks from now.

working at the hospital these past two weeks have brought me to a new realization of why i've chosen to take the career path that i have. walking into the er, i saw a little girl struggling to walk and crying with each step she took. going into the ccu and icu for the first time was definitely a shock to the system. it is so much different than what you see on tv or in the movies. and seeing family members and friends crying because their loved ones are dying or seriously injured is probably the hardest. helping people (or at least the want to) has always come naturally to me, but it's always been at a somewhat petty level. the most i've ever done is offer words of comfort and advice, and maybe a band aid or two. seeing all these people just awakened a whole new sense of sympathy in me. it hurts seeing other people suffering, and now i'm beginning to understand what my mom meant when she told me that i need a warm heart if i actually wanted to pursue nursing. (which is funny since i've never really taken my mom's words into this much consideration). i can't do that job without being sympathetic. if i did, i'd only be disgusted by what i saw and did. what good is doing something i hate for the rest of my life and have everyone around me know that i hated it? honestly, i'd rather just be at the hospital most of the time these days. is this passion? or just another phase? for the love of god, i hope it's the former.

juiced!

i swear i think i'm beginning to have a major rockstar addiction. baddy lol.

today was the foothill band review. and another major fail. it was hot (again), we were placed in the AA division (really?), and we didn't place in anything. HAHA no surprise there though. i did get to see a bunch of scvc people though :D. boner, kneebone, jake, ed, and dee! i like hugs :3.

times are changing, dearest mother

ugh. i'm getting pretty sick of my mom calling me stupid and corrupt for disagreeing with prop. 8. i am not sorry for holding different views from hers. and i am most definitely NOT sorry for having the friends that i do. they have not manipulated me. i am not a horrible person for learning to love my friends as they are. if anything, they're the ones who opened my eyes to how closed-minded the world can be. i pity those who are so selfish as to go far enough to try and take away the rights of others. they're just scared and choose to discriminate as a means of dealing with their fear. pathetic. this is just another reason why i dislike religion. especially the one my parents hold on to. there's only one right. everyone else is wrong. what kind of teaching is that? this religion teaches its followers to accept and love all people, but at the same time it teaches them that there is only one "right" lifestyle. it's hypocracy.

grr...i'm just peeved and i could go on for days about this, but i won't lol.

is that the butter pecan?

so today was my second official day as a volunteer at washington hospital. i know it hasn't been a lot, but i have to say i absolutely love doing what i do there. it seems like i'm the only one to ever be eager about completing a task there. although i do wish that i could interact with the patients a lot more. the only contact i get is when i'm discharging them. i think i'm gonna see if i can transfer over to the er once i turn 18 :]. i'm also trying to find a rn to talk to and find out more about my future career. problem is i can't tell which ones they are. and they always seem so busy. boo. i'll just put that on my to-do list. but i do get to make some small chat with random staff members when i'm the the elevators. so for now, i'm completely satisfied with running up and down the hospital with various tasks and getting all the free ice cream and lemonade i want :D.

tomorrow afternoon should prove to be in-ter-restingggg muahah

weekend recap

friday: both a good and a bad way to end spirit week. our homecoming game was against kennedy, and we lost. kind of not surprised. it was just disappointing cuz we were doing so well the first half of the game. ah well. our boys do their best. homecoming queen was announced. congrats to both natalie and brook for tying, even though i'm not satisfied with the outcome. rachel and i went on a semi adventure at the stadium and recorded/narrated our walk. (i might post the vids some other day). we kept running into nate, which made things soooo awkward for reasons i will not mention here lol. and of course our band played and danced to jump on it in front of the crowd as we do every year. oh, and seniors won triple crown! wooooo! oh nine~~~

saturday: santa cruz band review! goddamn was it windy. i know it's santa cruz and all, but jeez haha. i thought we did pretty well, and so did jessica, ben, mr. rodda, and the crowd. but i heard we only placed third in marching. and one of the judges for guard was there at antioch, and he gave us a fairly low score. effing biased much? -_- i got to talk to courtney for a little while waiting for lina's dad to come pick up me, lina, rach, and stephanie. too bad pannid had to work that day. otherwise i would have finally met his ass instead of going home early lol. the homecoming dance was that same night, but i didn't go. kenta won homecoming king. congrats to him as well. although i was wishing alex would win heh. i was supposed to go on a double date with courtney, her bf, and her bf's friend. but the stupid bus driver got everyone home late from santa cruz. :[

and now i am bitter because i don't have any advil for my headache. rawries.

WE RUN THIS!

OH NINE~~

i must admit that i am LOVING spirit week at school. it's just a time when everyone can dress like complete fools and no one ever says anything. plus, it's hilarious as hell.

fake injury day today was amazinggg. rachel did a lot of people's injuries and they were crazy good! so many of my teachers fell for it ahah.


i can't wait to run down the hallways tomorrow morning! :D

know your rank! SENIORS '09 <3

whew

i filled out some college apps today! sdsu, lbsu, lasu, and sjsu. yes, i am applying to helluv csu's. stfu. i was putting in info from my transcript and i died a little inside lol. still gotta fill out an app for uci. ::sigh:: we'll see what happens.

QUEST is already killing me, and it's barely started lol. FUCK.

oh noes!

so i'm definitely beginning to feel a bit hectic. i need to start college apps soon and i still don't have a finalized list of where i want to apply. lol baddy. topic declarations and that form for possible consultants for QUEST is due on tueday. omg! even worse, i have no idea what i want to have as a topic. rawr.

aahh! i'm so excited for spirit week! our senior dance is sooo adorable! although j.r did choreograph it to be a bit difficult for the average teenager haha. senior day is gonna be amazing. i get to do cartwheels all around the gym during our skit. hahhaha. falling on my ass in front of 2200 people? awesome.

anyways, today is a hang out day with niko. which probably means i'll be taking a nap on his amazingly comfy bed on top of a pile of his superrrr soft pillows while he watches cars lmfao.

a bit of orwell

"obedience is not enough. unless he is suffering, how can you be sure that he is obeying your will and not his own? power is inflicting pain and humiliation. power is in tearing human minds to pieces and putting them together again in new shapes of your own choosing. do you begin to see, then, what kind of world we are creating? it is in the exact opposite of the stupid hedonistic utopias that the old reformers imagined. a world of fear and treachery and torment, a world of trampling and being trampled upon, a world which will grow not less but more merciless as it refines itself. progress in our world will be progress toward more pain. the old civilizations claimed that they were founded on love and justice. ours is founded upon hatred. in our world there will be no emotions except fear, rage, triumph, and self-abasement. everything else we shall destroy-everything. already we are breaking down the habits of thought which have survived from before the revolution. we have cut the links between child and parent, and between man and man, and between man and woman. no one dares trust a wife or a child or a friend any longer. but in the future there will be no wives and no friends. children will be taken from their mothers at birth, as one takes eggs from a hen. the sex instinct will be eradicated. procreation will be an annual formality like the renewal of a ration card. we shall abolish the orgasm...there will be no loyalty, except loyalty toward the party. there will be no love, except the love of big brother. there will be no laughter, except the laugh of triumph over a defeated enemy. there will be no art, no literature, no science. when we are omnipotent we shall have no more need of science. there will be no distinction between beauty and ugliness. there will be no curiosity, no employment of the process of life. all competing pleasures will be destroyed. but always-do not forget this-always there will be the intoxication of power, constantly increasing and constantly growing subtler. always, at every moment, there will be the thrill of victory, the sensation of trampling on an enemy who is helpless. if you want a picture of the future, imagine a boot stamping on a human face-forever."

a bit sadistic, but fucking brilliant.

boredom strikes

om nom nom nom

reunited

banquet tonight was amazing! it was SO good to get to see everyone (or almost everyone) again! i didn't realize just how much i actually missed all of them. everyone looked so good all dressed up. we're so different from when we're at rehearsal where we're all tan, sweaty, and super tired. gonzo looks amazing now! while the typical person /gains/ weight after the season is over, (we still eat like we're rehearsing for 12 hours a day lol) he lost weight! and lots of it too! ::jealous:: lol.

i'm reallyyyy proud of everyone who won awards tonight! all those people who won the golden foot award (lol), rachel for winning outstanding guard member, aaron for winning outstanding member, and everyone else in between :].

kristie and i went outside for a while since it got really hot in the restaurant and we found this motorcycle parked there. of course we couldn't resist taking a picture with it. i only found out later that it belongs to some creepy lesbian chick that hit on masha. how depressing haha.

and our 2009 show was revealed today! "LOVE." kind of an interesting choice. everyone thinks it has something to do with the beatles, but rob assures us we don't know what's in store. guess we'll have to wait till next summer to find out.

i really DON'T want to have to wait another month and a half (or longer) to see everyone again!

drained

i'm spent. both physically and emotionally. there are too many nights spent staying up and way more drama than i can handle. i'm falling asleep in class or i'm just not there, mentally. i can't concentrate on anything but whatever bullshit is going on in my life. but bullshit never really goes away, does it? haha.

so i just got back from taking SATs. in goddamn oakland. it was ridiculous. they let everyone into the school fifteen minutes late; someone gave our proctor the reasoning tests instead of the subject ones; and we got disrupted in the middle of our test taking when they had to let some extra kids into our room. >[. yes, that is my bitter face. well, at least i didn't fall asleep in the middle of it this time haha.

aahhh! i found out a week ago that ivan gets to start working in new york soon. lucky bitch lol. it's one thing that he gets to run into rihanna in the hallway at work, but getting to live in my dream location? /and/ make loads of monies while at it? wtf. lol. i think i'm gonna stowaway in one of ivan's bags and sneak over to new york with him. and call up nick to take me to serendipity's for some frozen hot chocolates :D. and take me to 5th avenue so i can look at all the pretty things i can't afford?

i think i'm watching eagle eye at great mall with niko, see jan again for the first time in two years, andddd possibly meet pannid! awesome.

how does one stop a heart from yearning?

a question that has been lingering over my head for far too long. i should be glad to have found out what he's really about. but i still remember how sweet his words were. i should be happy that i snapped out of my world of denial. yet i still long for that false sense of happiness. and i should be content with the fact that the same thing will happen to her for not listening to me. only i wish i were her right now.

lol i disgust myself sometimes.

anyhoo, happy 18th to courtney!! you're finally legal, dearest! i can't wait to see your new artwork ;P.

ap stats sucked. pretty sure i bombed the test. especially since i fell sleep in the middle of it lol. but sixth period made me a little happier since i owned on our last physics test. have i proven you wrong yet, mr. lee? muahah.

i'm so excited for halloween! i'm gonna be an eskimo! (a cute ish one haha). this is only like the second or third time i've actually dressed up for this holiday in all of my 17 years of living. i'm also pretty stoked for the false lashes rachel and i bought at wal mart today. yes, simple things in life are worth being happy over :D.

banquet is sunday! i can't wait! i miss all my fellow champions :[.

busy month

it's going to be a busy busy month! super excited though.

today is mom and dad's 26th anniversary. i don't know whether it's a good thing or not, but nonetheless, happy anniversary to them.

sunday is banquet!! what i'm looking forward to most this month :]. god, i miss everyone SO much. they're all so amazing. they've definitely taught me what it means to be in a family and what it is to have integrity. andddd.....CHAMPIONSHIP RINGS, BABY! the santa clara vanguard cadets as dci's first world class champions! mmm, i like how that sounds.

courtney and rachel's birthdays! lovely courtney is finally turning legal! and rachel is just turning 17. one of the youngest among my group of wonderful friends. i need monies! enough for at least a decent surprise for both of them lol.

santa cruz is on the 18th. it's usually the funnest review, but i'm not so sure about this year. everything about school guard has made me lose passion for it. it's always either drama or no one giving a damn. or both. this year is both. i'm thinking that this year instead of hanging out at the boardwalk after the competition, i'm thinking of just going home early. idunno. and i'm leaning towards not going to the homecoming dance. (the review and dance are on the same day). nothing interesting ever happens, and it's pretty predictable who's gonna win king and queen. besides, i'd rather just laze around than take all that time to get ready when i have no one to impress haha.

i'm gonna officially start volunteering at the hospital this month too! yeah, super nerdy of me to be hapy about that :].

the weather is also getting cooler. which i'm pretty thankful for. i know it's weird, but i'm pretty anxious to rid of my tan. well, that's this month in a nutshell. packed, but it should be fun :].

you're killing me

i still long for you, and i don't know how to make it stop.

waiting

i know this is a horrible thought, but it's been running through my mind for a while now. i can't help but wonder if life would be better for everyone if my parents just got divorced. in fact, i find myself wanting it to happen more and more often. maybe that way there'd finally be peace in this house. every single day is just filled with yelling, screaming, throwing of objects, and hate. and for some reason, all of it comes back to me. whether it be that i somehow caused the fight between my parents or my mom just using me as an excuse to get her anger out. i'm so sick of getting yelled at and verbally abused because of something i know i didn't do. even now i'm listening to my mom continue to lash out at my dad, prolonging all this stupid tension. i can guarantee she's gonna barge into my room any minute and scream at me for some ridiculous illegitimate reason. is it bad that i dread coming home from school everyday knowing that another verbal war will ensue? my heart has grown cold towards them. the only thing on their minds is how often they can point out each others' mistakes along with mine.

i can't wait to graduate and finally get the fuck out of here. then they'll just be each others' problem.

what goes around definitely comes around

antioch today was a total waste of time. it was hot, we sucked, and no one seemed like they cared much. probably the most interesting thing that happened was rachel accidentally touching someone's period pants rofl. not to mention the plethora of hot guys that were there! too bad most of them were probably gay. why do all the cute ones have to live outside of fremont where it's impossible to find them? :[ omg armijo high was there. thank god that one person graduated. wonder if any of the people who said hi to us while we walked by know him lol.

wow i love karma. so much. ugly betty is finally starting to get a taste of what he's really like. the cycle is already starting again. muahah. i can't wait to see both of them fall. it's gonna be a great show.

mmmm denny's with the guard in a couple of hours. but for now, 1984 has my attention. lates!

ridiculous

"i'd rape that."

honestly. who in their right minds says shit like that to anyone? sure, i've had my fair share of inappropriate comments thrown my way, but nothing like that. disrespectful as hell. it was too bad i couldn't find a rock to chuck at him in time before he skateboarded away.

besides that, today was great. had four tests, but i think i did fairly well on them. lee is scaring the shit out of me though. i get confused on a test make up date and i'm automatically deemed a failure. sounds like my mom lol. i finally got my volunteer badge for the hospital! cute picture, not gonna lie. ;D i'm actually pretty excited to get started. i've been meeting helluv new people there and it's amazing. especially since i'm getting sick of the same ol' immature bastards at high school. i swear the freshman get worse every year.

ugghhh antioch tomorrow. gotta get up at fucking 5 a.m. maybe i'll try to catch some z's on the bus ride there. lates!

getting in touch...finally

it's fucking senior year. and i've sadly realized that i have not yet made any memorable high school moments throughout my freshman, sophomore, and junior years. i lack in school spirit, and i don't participate in anything related to school. there's guard, but that really has nothing to do with school pride. all of my older friends always tell me how much fun they had in high school and that it brings them so many good memories. and i just sit there listening to them, wondering why the hell i'm not agreeing with them. not gonna lie: it sucks.

so this is my declaration of finally making an effort to find the high school student in me. i'm not talking about doing well academically, (although i should still maintain that goal lol) but trying to find a personal connection with the school and the other 2000 kids i pass in the hallways five times a week.

oh-nine, so fine :]

newbie

okayyy, so i'm pretty much new to this site. i've always been interested in expressing my days, thoughts, and emotions through words. it always just comes easiest to me. and since i'm lacking a formal diary right now, i thought this would be the next best thing. haha. so i'm going to do my best to keep this updated on a normal basis and hope to read some other interesting blogs that people post. oh, and comments are always nice, but if it's something negative please keep it to yourself. i'm just here to word vomit for my own personal benefit. but if i happen to spark some sort of interest, opinion, or thought in whoever is reading this, then kudos to me. :] kind of. it's great to find people to relate to. anyways! i feel like i'm starting to ramble on about nothing, so i'm going to leave this be for the rest of today.