a strange situation

my mom. oh gosh. i don't even know how to describe the relationship we have. i don't even know if i can call it a relationship since the majority of our time spent together is used to fight with each other. if you look up the word "tension" in the dictionary, you'd find a picture of us, bared teeth and claws included. we go through a strange cycle. there is one huge, hate filled, extremely loud fight that leads to tears and frustration. i blame her, she blames me. we make up the next day and all is well for a temporary amount of time, each lasting anywhere from a day to a couple of weeks. then tension just builds up again and we have occasional spats. finally, we work our way back up to the point that we can't take each other anymore and we have another one of our huge fights. a norm in this household. honestly, i feel sorry for my dad and brother. my brother especially since his visits should be welcoming instead of making him want to get the hell out asap.

i guess it's obvious to say that i hate having this type of relationship with my mom. it's not really my idea of what a mom and daughter are supposed to be. i've tried so many times to try and change something that has been years in the making. but everything always goes back to what i've previously mentioned. why try when everything just ends in vain? i've given up on trying to pretend that we get along when we're out in public, when i'm around her friends, when she's around mine. everyone around me knows i dislike the woman i'm talking on the phone with. it's embarrassing, but we can't help it. not anymore at least. i think this is why i want to be far away from home for college. having to deal with this is stressful. and a pain. i'm so sick of crying. hardly anything else makes me shed tears. being away may bring around a better relationship. out of sight, out of mind right? my brother and my mom used to fight a lot when he was in high school. now they get along like lifelong friends. it may be wishful thinking, but a girl's allowed to dream. now if only my mom weren't so intent on keeping me close to home. but i guess that's a whole different issue.