My mind is overflowing

Wow...it has been a while since I updated, or even looked, at this thing. I love coming back to old blogs and seeing how immature I sound about everything. I've lacked the proper inspiration to write lately. But the recent pain and disappointment I've been feeling lately is bringing it all back. Unfortunately, I lack the energy or time to write out everything I'm thinking. So I just hope I can find the time and effort to fill these pages with what I've been holding back for a long, long time...

i'm not your little 6 year old anymore

i'm getting sick of you, mom. you need to stop checking the phone bill for every single number i call or calls me and how many times and how long conversations occur. you need to STOP CALLING MY FRIENDS. it's harrassment, and i don't know what fucking makes you think it's ok to always bug my friends about my wherabouts. checking every single transaction i make on my card doesn't help either. i hate how you ALWAYS talk about not being able to trust me, when you go behind my back and pull shit like this all the time. yeah, i have no reason to make you want to trust me when you won't no matter what.

i lie because if i tell you the truth, there is no way you would ever let me out of the house. i am not some frail little girl who needs constant protection. i'll go to you when i need help. just let me live my life and learn from my own mistakes.

i can't wait to move out of this house and separate everything from you.

my mind at 2 in the morning

so i really hate how all my rebellious actions catch up to me somehow. and my mom is fucking sherlock holmes because she seems to figure EVERYTHING out. i need to figure out a way to get sneakier. maybe get an invisibilty cloak. or ask harry how to make my mom forget things.

that public service announcement on tv where hilary duff comes out of nowhere in a boutique and yells, "you shouldn't say that!" when a couple of chicks refer to an ugly top as "gay" makes me LOL so fucking hard. it's so random and weird, and it makes me wonder who smoked what in order to come up with an ad like that.

i also enjoy that house reruns are on tv at 2 in the morning. it fills that "i'm awake, can't sleep, and don't know what to do" void i often get at this time of night. and who can't get lost in the baby blues of hugh laurie? and that cane is boss. B-O-S-S. if you're wondering, yes, i am talking about random nothings in order to pass time between commercials. and i'm waiting for kevin to finish being naked and come back to talk to me ;].

lol my mom definitely hates the fact that i'm a complete night owl. she just walked over to where i'm sitting and said, "you live life completely backwards. go to bed!" learn to accept it, mother. this is how i'm gonna be doing things for a long ass time. and i know she's stalking me, so i'm gonna do whatever i want anyway.

can school start back up already? it gets tiring just sitting around at home, not having solid plans all the time, and playing the waiting game. and at least when i'm at school i can get fucked up to shit and not have to worry about sobering up. is that horrible? i thought so.

I MISS COURTNEY ZUMWALT. get better soon so we can finally hang!

Zoom zoom zoom gone.

new year's resolutions

- get back in shape
- try harder in school
- find a job
- make him happy
- make 2010 memorable

in the back corner i'll always be

it's wrong to believe that all the people you care about and put before yourself will return the favor. i know that now. people work on their own agendas and don't care about who they hurt. it's understandable. it's human nature. but is it so wrong to have faith in people as much as i do? apparently it is. if it's not wrong, then for sure it's painful as fuck. this past week showed me.

if i'm not in the process of talking to someone, i just comepletely slip their minds. like i don't exist. i don't know why it happens, but it does. i'm so sick of people acting like they care, only to forget about me once something of more interest comes up. i've come across so many people in my life who were filled with empty words. i should have lost faith in all of humanity by now, but i haven't for some reason. i almost wish i have.

perhaps the most painful is the fact that my own family chooses not to recognize me. a couple of nights ago my parents literally forgot to set a place for me at the dinner table. and when i looked at them with anger and sadness, i got yelled at for it. i'm of no use to them, so why get upset when they forget to set a place for me? i'm obviously not my brother. i'm not as smart as him. as successful as him. i can't help with the bills. they have their golden child, so i get pushed aside. and the only reason my parents talk to me is to criticize me for anything and everything. the normal conversations are reserved for the golden boy.

i'm sorry for confessing all of this in some stupid online blog. but it sucks to not have someone i can talk to about these things. i can tell my friends tire of my rantings and end up giving me empty advice. or i'm told to just suck it up or that i'm wrong for feeling the way i do. so that's exactly what i do now and try not to show how much things actually affect me. what else can one do when someone they thought they can trust tells them they expected nothing less of them when they tell that friend she ended up in the hospital because of a mistake.

so the question is: why should i continue to let what little friends i have left now know that i'm always going to be here for them? that i'm always thinking about them? that i'll never turn them away when they're in need of an ear or a shoulder to cry on? it's a fool's dream to keep on hoping that by showing people she's always going to put others first, those she cares about will follow suit.

doing that only gets you to get walked all over.

premonition or paranoia?

i keep having these constant dreams where he loses all sort of care for me. last night was the worst. i kept asking him why, and he refused to answer. i woke up uneasy and scared, and it's sad that it took me a good minute to realize it was just a dream. after these past two months, i'm slowly starting to trust that they're going to stay as dreams. it just worries me that i keep having them though. my subconscious will learn to catch up to reality soon enough. it better.

also, right when i thought it couldn't get any better. mmm....was i wrong.

my brain is mush

so far my first week of laziness has been successful. spent most of my time vegetating on my couch in front of my tv. but hopefully i'll start hanging out with friends more once next week rolls around since everyone will be on break by then.

i might sneak out of the house tonight. i just realized it's gonna be a lot harder since ivan is coming home tonight. ugh. but i'm going up to alameda tomorrow! and then christmas shopping with alex on saturday! not looking forward to having to find parking though. ew ew ew.

i was looking through some of my drawers the other night and i found one of my old diaries from jr. high. the idiocy i put down on those lines was almost too much to bear. i forgot about all the drama that happened during that time. great reminder of all the great people i knew. not. i also got to see how much of a ditz i was. but a lot of that probably followed me into adulthood. retarded things are still a big deal to me lol.

I MISS MY NAVEL PIERCING!!! so much! it seems like forever and a day away before i can get the piercing again. hopefully the place i go to next time isn't crappy.

ugh, this is a boring blog. i have nothing to say really, but i figured this is a good way to kill some time.