two words

absolutely ridiculous...

ineffable

major writer's block, so i'm hoping typing here will help clear my head a little. sorry if i don't make any sense. a few strange happenings this week. i really don't know how to react to any of it. it's taking almost everything in me to not just scream and rip my hair out.

ah well. getting to go out on a mall date with courtney helped a little, although my mind is still scattered. hers too, i'm sure. it's just weird not having anything to look forward to. nothing to keep the energy up.

::sigh::

i love you

and i'm praying that you don't do anything drastic

a strange situation

my mom. oh gosh. i don't even know how to describe the relationship we have. i don't even know if i can call it a relationship since the majority of our time spent together is used to fight with each other. if you look up the word "tension" in the dictionary, you'd find a picture of us, bared teeth and claws included. we go through a strange cycle. there is one huge, hate filled, extremely loud fight that leads to tears and frustration. i blame her, she blames me. we make up the next day and all is well for a temporary amount of time, each lasting anywhere from a day to a couple of weeks. then tension just builds up again and we have occasional spats. finally, we work our way back up to the point that we can't take each other anymore and we have another one of our huge fights. a norm in this household. honestly, i feel sorry for my dad and brother. my brother especially since his visits should be welcoming instead of making him want to get the hell out asap.

i guess it's obvious to say that i hate having this type of relationship with my mom. it's not really my idea of what a mom and daughter are supposed to be. i've tried so many times to try and change something that has been years in the making. but everything always goes back to what i've previously mentioned. why try when everything just ends in vain? i've given up on trying to pretend that we get along when we're out in public, when i'm around her friends, when she's around mine. everyone around me knows i dislike the woman i'm talking on the phone with. it's embarrassing, but we can't help it. not anymore at least. i think this is why i want to be far away from home for college. having to deal with this is stressful. and a pain. i'm so sick of crying. hardly anything else makes me shed tears. being away may bring around a better relationship. out of sight, out of mind right? my brother and my mom used to fight a lot when he was in high school. now they get along like lifelong friends. it may be wishful thinking, but a girl's allowed to dream. now if only my mom weren't so intent on keeping me close to home. but i guess that's a whole different issue.

idk

do i pursue you or not?

i hate how stupid things like this take over my mind

mundane

i'm surprised at how smoothly QUEST has been going for me. i was totally expecting to be pulling my hair out by the roots at this point haha. hopefully the rest of the project goes this well for me.

another day at the hospital. and let's just say i can now understand why so many women chase after doctors and paramedics ;].

smorkin'!

so the more i look at the kidrobot labbit and dunny toys, the more i want them! i'm thinking about starting out with a labbit collection. they're soo cute. although not in the conventional way.

i just need to find a way to get to sf and someone to accompany me. oh, and some monies. ::sigh::
soon...

yes, we can

i could barely contain my excitement when obama was announced president tonight. his victory speech nearly brought tears to my eyes and placed a huge smile on my face. never have i been more proud to say that i'm an american before tonight. i'm placing huge faith in this guy. end of story.

wow, it's been helluv days since i updated this thing.

well, since this whole obama victory has gotten me all pumped up i might as well start another seemingly meaningful rant that'll probably just sound like super cheesy bull when i reread it two weeks from now.

working at the hospital these past two weeks have brought me to a new realization of why i've chosen to take the career path that i have. walking into the er, i saw a little girl struggling to walk and crying with each step she took. going into the ccu and icu for the first time was definitely a shock to the system. it is so much different than what you see on tv or in the movies. and seeing family members and friends crying because their loved ones are dying or seriously injured is probably the hardest. helping people (or at least the want to) has always come naturally to me, but it's always been at a somewhat petty level. the most i've ever done is offer words of comfort and advice, and maybe a band aid or two. seeing all these people just awakened a whole new sense of sympathy in me. it hurts seeing other people suffering, and now i'm beginning to understand what my mom meant when she told me that i need a warm heart if i actually wanted to pursue nursing. (which is funny since i've never really taken my mom's words into this much consideration). i can't do that job without being sympathetic. if i did, i'd only be disgusted by what i saw and did. what good is doing something i hate for the rest of my life and have everyone around me know that i hated it? honestly, i'd rather just be at the hospital most of the time these days. is this passion? or just another phase? for the love of god, i hope it's the former.