the kiss

oh how i wish i were able to go watch ccgc yesterday. i heard vanguard did an amazing job. again. i saw them last weekend, and omg was i almost in tears. they definitely put every other guard to shame. watching them just makes me fall in love with this organization all over again.

luhl

just posting cuz i'm super bored and don't have anything better to do. how sad.

still trying to convince my mom to let me go visit socal over spring break. i am always tired now. thank god the weekend is almost here.

trying to find the upside

yup. i got rejected from irvine. my dream school of two and a half years. the place i've envisioned myself being shortly after graduation. seeing myself exploring the city, beaches, and abundance of new people. all of it down the drain. i'm not going to pretend that i'm not envious of all my friends who got accepted and will be attending come this fall. yes, i do feel dejected, jealous, and some loss of worth. and i've been sitting here for the past two days trying to figure out who or what it is i can blame for the tears that i've shed due to the uc's decision.

the budget crisis? schools have been cutting back so much this year, i wonder if i lost my spot because of the school's lack of money. and since my major is nursing, (one of the most competitive out there) i probably had even less of a chance.
idk. i'm probably the one to blame the most. i slacked off so much my junior year. this is probably my lesson for not giving a rat's ass and thinking that all would turn out dandy. this is a do or die world. get lazy, and you're finished. now i'm left with sjsu and fullerton. i know that sjsu's nursing school is one of the top in the state. but it so sooooo damn close to home. even if my mom is letting me dorm over there, i'm just not feeling the environment. at all. the campus doesn't catch my attention, and the area around it is just something i'm way too used to. fullerton is in southern california, and i know for a fact i'd love the change of scenery. the campus is gorgeous, and i feel as if i can be more myself and have a fresh start socially. the only downside is that i have NO idea what fullerton's rep is academically and whether it's nursing school will offer me the full benefits sjsu's can. so do i want to go somewhere that has fairly decent reviews for its nursing program, or go somewhere that will be able to accommodate most of my needs? i'm going to have to think long and hard about this.

i also need to stop thinking that i can one day be like my brother. when i looked back at myself the day i got my rejection, i couldn't help but think of him. ivan is extremely smart, determined, motivated, and popular. and i feel like all of those factors are what got him so far in life. he's only 26, and is already making more money than most and traveling the world. every time i screw up, i look to him and try to follow what he's done and does now. but it just doesn't work. my parents talk about him with such pride written all over their faces, and i guess it's what i've been craving to get from them. i wish i were able to say these things to ivan himself. and to have him offer me words of comfort and motivation. i want to have that loving sibling relationship that a lot of my friends have with their brothers and sisters. how can i ask this of my own brother without making it awkward or seem forced? i'm extremely proud of what he does and who he is. and with whatever decision i come to about school, i'm going to work hard and earn the same respect from my big brother as i've developed for him.

funny how after reading through this before posting that it comes down to my big brother being my one inspiration.

a vain pursuit?

i'm not happy.

are you kidding me?!

the only reason i give my friends advice is because i obviously care about them and want what's best. and it frustrates me SO GODDAMN MUCH when they don't take it. why do you ask me for help when you're just going to end up throwing it out the window anyway???

and it makes even less sense to me when you make the same mistake over again, even after i tell you exactly what will happen! WHY?! you take advantage of my willingness to listen and offer insight, and for what? attention? pity? it hurts me to see you get stomped all over. and over again. i don't know why i still worry, but i do. it really shouldn't be my problem anymore if you choose to hurt yourselves again. idk. you'll learn the hard way. sooner or later. i just hope it's before any of your guys' bullshit happens all over again.

bye.

whatever

i'm just gonna go ahead and say it. i miss fucking. and i need a good one. bad.

ineffable

i really wish i were a better writer. or at least had more creative thoughts. sometimes i spend a couple of hours reading random blogs of various friends, and all of them have such interesting things to talk about. i came back to my blog and realized that what i write about is SO boring. superficial, even. it sucks not being able to get out what i want to say coherently. man, i need to get out more.

this entire week has been one of the longest i've felt in a while. it doesn't make sense since it hasn't been as stressful as many other weeks. maybe i'm just getting bored. i should get off my fat ass and find myself a J-O-B. i always complain about not having any money and never do anything about it. but i never see any hiring or wanted signs anywhere :[. stupid economy. i wonder if working the streets really isn't such a bad idea after all...just kidding! i must get someone to remind me to try and find a job as a hostess somewhere. lots of bank for doing little :]. all i need to do is be nice and act cute. i guess my big cheeks (the ones on my face) would come in handy for this.

physics and ap stast is FINALLY making sense to me now! too bad it decided to happen so late in the game. i'm still trying to make up that stupid stats contract and am nowhere near finishing :/. and speaking of...i should get back to homework. but at least tomorrow is friday and i get to go see watchmen! i wonder how many fanatics i'll see...